Breaking Free from Shame
Noah’s Path to Self-Acceptance and an Authentic Life
In this episode, we dive into the life and experiences of Noah Kaib, a 27-year-old pansexual musician who embarked on a transformative journey of self-discovery.
Noah grew up in a large Catholic family in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, and his early years were marked by hiding his true self and the weight of societal expectations. But the pandemic became a turning point in his life, pushing him to question his purpose and authenticity. Join us as Noah shares his inspiring story of resilience, self-acceptance, and the pursuit of his true passion—music.
Discover how Noah's journey led him to create music that tells the stories of the queer experience, breaking free from shame, and embracing his authentic self. From his struggles to his triumphs, Noah's story is a testament to the strength of the LGBTQ+ community and the power of self-expression.
Tune in to learn more about Noah's upcoming album, his musical influences, and the importance of representation in media, all on this episode of the Gay in America Podcast. Don't forget to subscribe and share with your friends to spread the love and inspiration!
Tell us what you think about Noah’s Music in the Comments Below!
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Host (00:05):
Gay in America is an oral history podcast sharing experiences of gay people from all orientations, backgrounds, and ages in America. Our goal is to inspire each other to live our best gay lives and help us all understand that our shared experiences unite us as a community.
Host (00:28):
Hey, this is Robert and I just wanted to stop and thank you for listening. I had pretty low expectations for the first six months of this podcast, but great things are happening because of you. Please follow and subscribe to keep getting new episodes. And with that said, I'd like to introduce you to our next guest. He is a 27 year old pansexual man, living his dream of becoming a musician. He started off with a degree in engineering, but the pandemic for so many of us caused him to reflect on his life. He considered what it was like growing up, gay in a large Catholic family, and what he really wanted out of life. Ultimately, this led him to commit to his dream. Let's meet Noah Cobb. He's pretty amazing.
Noah Kaib (01:25):
So my name's Noah Kai. I'm originally from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, so I grew up there. I went to college there and then I moved out to Los Angeles about five years ago, right after graduating college though, I did this six month big solo trip through South America and kind of found a job at the very end of my stay there.
Host (01:47):
Noah thought everything was going as planned college degree, check backpacking, adventure check, good job check. But something was still missing.
Noah Kaib (01:58):
The pandemic hitting was just this storm for me of what is my purpose? What am I doing? If the world ends today, would I be happy? And quite frankly, the answer was like, no. It was the loudest no that I've ever gotten from the universe. So I really just from that switch gears in every way of my life just trying to recalibrate what do I want to do to be happy? And even if I don't make money, what would be the things that bring me joy? I had a podcast for a minute there, which is really wonderful, and I was interviewing a strong independent artist, asking them how they got started, what were their inspirations. But I kind of ultimately realized that that was still just me hiding behind what I wanted to do and what I wanted to do. What I've always wanted to do is make music. It's been the thing that's held me together, the thing that gives me most joy. It's where I feel most free. I was always waiting for my parents to leave and my brothers to leave to kind of like the house was gone or the house was on my own and I could sing karaoke for hours and hours, and I'm really paying for all of the incorrect vocal techniques that I developed as a child. I'm working through those.
Noah Kaib (03:41):
I really hit the ground running. I started playing piano. I found a vocal teacher. I found a guitar teacher, or I was learning guitar for a long time by myself. And then just slowly, slowly was finding a producer. And then I wrote up my first song and then I made my first song and suddenly I have an EP out, which is called Freshmen, which was six songs, A collection of discovery and what kind of music I wanted to make. I jumped from a little bit of a Taylor Swift inspo to my other favorite bands to something that was totally me, and now I'm just gearing up for an album. So I've got several songs in the bag. I've got one song that I just released called Sissy Boy, which is this super hyper gay anthem. I always describe Sissy Boy as almost like a character. It's like the gayest version of myself and the version of myself that I was most afraid of as a child.
Noah Kaib (04:56):
My love for music just comes from, I think, this organic love. My dad, one of my earlier memories is us marching around the house to Buffalo Soldier by Bob Marley with some weird play toys and just music was always a part of the house. My mom always had music going on. I just immediately gravitated towards it. And the other thing that is really big for me when it comes to music is I'm always plugged in. I didn't really realize this till now. Kind of looking back now, I have 25 years kind of sift through because I've always been plugged in. At the end of a school day, my AirPods, or sorry, I guess they wouldn't have been AirPods, they would've just been headphones were plugged in on the back of the school bus. And it was just a way for me to kind of enter my own world. And between books and music, I would always kind of exist in the real world and then my own head. And whether it was a book or music, that was kind of my escape. So songs specifically have gotten me through the hardest times of my life.
Host (05:58):
Noah grew up in a very traditional Catholic family in Pittsburgh. Being a gay child would be one of those really hard times of his life, even as early as fifth grade, he now sees that he developed strategies for hiding parts of himself.
Noah Kaib (06:14):
When I was younger on these school buses, especially because I was always involved in sports, I played basketball, soccer, lacrosse, track. I did it all. I did it all even through high school, and I obviously had my iPod or whatever, but I always had a playlist separate from all of my music that was kind of like the safe songs, the songs that I knew that if I gave it to someone, no one was going to make fun of me or dah, dah, dah. Or sometimes you just don't want to even be asked questions and you just want to just be able to relax. So I kind of always had this safe playlist that I would play for people if I was nervous of just putting my whole iPod on shuffle. And looking back, it's quite a dark kind of thing to realize experience to have because I kind of did that as young as maybe fifth, sixth grade. And I didn't really realize what I was doing so much though then, but it was just one of the many ways I grew up trying to protect myself.
Host (07:15):
I wondered what Noah's hoping his music will do for his listeners.
Noah Kaib (07:20):
More than anything, I'm a songwriter of all the different pieces that have to happen to create a song. The thing that has always come most naturally to me is lyrics. When I wrote a song like Forbidden Love, which is a song that I hope every kind of queer person gets to hear, which is a song about falling in love while you're still in the closet and someone helping you realize yourself and not rushing you. And I think about, I don't dunno if you've seen Heart Stopper, but that's kind of what is going on in that season right now. There's someone who's out and there's a boyfriend and then his boyfriend isn't ready, but he's being so gentle and forbidden. Love is that song. It is a song about how wonderful queer people can be to each other. That is such a beautiful thing my ex-boyfriend did for me, his patience. And so what I hope people get from my songs are the stories that they've never heard before. I want to tell the stories that I didn't hear yet. I want to be the Taylor Swift for little gay kids to hear about our slamming screen doors, these kind of iconic experiences that are sometimes sad or dark, but more than anything, they're just real. And so I just want to give our real life back to the world in the form of art.
Host (08:40):
His own early gay experiences provide material for his music today.
Noah Kaib (08:46):
It's so interesting because I grew up Catholic, going to Catholic grade school, Catholic high school, and so knowing that I was gay, it's like, I don't know, because I lied to myself for so long, I knew that I was different. And so I always kind of knew that I was hiding something, right? Very young. I knew that there was something in me that people didn't like and they had a label for it, and it was gay. Did I really know or believe that I was gay quite yet? No. To admit, that would've been a sin and would have been one of the biggest sins and one of my guaranteed tickets to eternal damnation kind of thing. So from a young age, I think I knew I didn't accept it until I was probably 19, 18, 19 like, okay, you are this. And then obviously it takes so many years then to come out. And I would describe myself probably more so pansexual, my favorite word is queer. It's dynamic. It allows you to grow.
Host (09:52):
His first gay experiences were awkward, maybe a little traumatic, but I think many of us can relate.
Noah Kaib (09:59):
I was very late in all of those kind of experiences. Someone kissed me. I think I was working as an RA for a summer program for exchange students or no, no, it wasn't exchange students. It was a leadership summit, but I was still kind of like the ra. So it was people coming in from all over the world and I was like their welcome thing. And I was there for their two weeks and one of the people just assumed I was gay and basically just made it move and gave me a kiss, which now I'm thinking is kind of cute. But also I never said I was gay and I had never made any indication. So I'm like with my 2023 eyes, I don't know how I feel about that experience. Definitely at the time it was a little bit traumatic too. I was like, oh no, what am I doing wrong? What made him see that I was still playing the game of hiding myself? So quite frankly, it might've even pushed me back into the closet for a little bit. But unfortunately that's only a guess at my first gay experience. I think I have so much trauma related to those beginnings times, so many things that I did probably really drunk or something like that, that it's just a bit of a blur. I'm just glad to have moved beyond it.
Host (11:12):
What was it like growing up gay in a large Catholic family?
Noah Kaib (11:16):
Yeah, it was hard. I have a massive family. My dad is one of eight or nine, my mom's one of seven. Everyone got married, had at least one kid. So I have 28 first cousins. My cousins have cousins or cousins have babies, and 95% of my entire family lives in Pittsburgh. So a blessing and a curse to come from a big family because you have so much support and love and community around you, but you also have so many people to disappoint. You have so many eyes on you, you have every other weekend's a birthday party that you have to go and represent yourself. So it was really hard because at the end of the day, everyone is pretty religious. People said the word fag all the time. It just was something that they said, and I don't, obviously didn't understand the weight of it, particularly as it pertained to me, but they still said it. So it was really hard because no one in my family had ever come out of all of those people. But once I came out, it was pretty instantaneous of love acceptance. My mom immediately was like, oh my God, I'm so sorry. How did I miss this? To a point where I was like, mom, take a deep breath. I don't want to have to nurse you out of this experience while I'm also doing this. So have your feelings, but don't think too hard about it. I was hiding it from you,
Speaker 3 (12:49):
You shoplifting the day we met, you stole my heart before I knew where we went, put in your pocket me out, and no one ever, it brought me home. And the box you knew I was lonely.
Noah Kaib (13:08):
And then my dad, he needed a little bit of time. He had to go on a camping trip, which initially really hurt me because I was like, Jesus, you just found out your son came out after 23 years and you need time. Are you kidding me? And a little bit. And now I'm like, okay, whatever. Because it was I love you, but I need a little time to accept this. So we're all people. I believed in those things myself and I was gay. So giving other people the grace to come around, I think it's something I've definitely learned to accept. And I can still feel angry that my dad had to go on a camping trip for fucking a month in the mountains, but most important that he got where he needed to be. So it has been nothing but love since then. Fortunately, his
Host (14:00):
Older and younger brothers were a little easier to come out to.
Noah Kaib (14:05):
Really great. They were immediate Thumbs up, I'm so happy for you. I was a little nervous to tell them. To be honest too, my older brother is almost one year to the day older than me. So we were very close to children. Then we had a gap, and then we were close again, and then gap and then close again. But just because we had so much of our lives together, so close, especially with my older brother and as brothers do, we fought and his button that he used to press for me was my queerness. And of course I pressed his button. So in terms of sibling like brutality, we were equally brutal. But I knew maybe when I would come out to him, he might have a hard time of it only just realizing what my experience of him had to have been growing up, knowing that he was using my biggest wound as his quickest button to press, it was easier to tell my little brother. My little brother also is a little bit more like me, just in the sense that we've both gone through a lot and we've had big journeys and big moments in our lives where we're resetting and recalibrating. I think I knew he would just realize this was another moment that I allowed myself to recalibrate. So it was good
Host (15:49):
With the hard part behind him. He was now free to experience the good part of being gay.
Noah Kaib (15:55):
I could cry even thinking, but I fell in love and that relationship ended in February. But I've walked away from it really knowing, sorry, still a little fresh, but still really knowing what it feels to be valued and to be appreciated and to really have a partner that you can trust. And we didn't break up for any trauma traumatic related releasing or anything like that. So the relationship and the beauty of that experience has maintained, and we really fought this last six months through the breakup to make sure we're maintaining the reality of what we had, which is just nothing but love. So I feel so happy and grateful to have had that and just to know what it means moving forward. I have such a strong base of whoever I meet in the future, what to expect from them. And I feel like some people really struggle, or especially in your first relationship, relationship can be really hard to know what's right and what's wrong. So yeah, my best gay experience so far has been finding glove.
Host (17:10):
Season two of Heart Stopper was just coming out when we recorded this interview. Many of us finally saw healthy gay relationships portrayed in the movies for the first time. I asked him what impact that gay series has had on him.
Noah Kaib (17:25):
Heart Stopper represents a version of us. We were never allowed to have a really pure adolescent trial and error type of love. I think back to how nice it would've been to just kiss a boy in the same way you can kiss a girl and they're like, ah, sorry, you're just not for me. And then you just move on versus are you kidding me? You're disgusting. Those experiences that we just don't get to allow ourselves to naturally go into because we have to navigate the shame and fear. So I see so much hope in that show of like, well, I hope this is what kids are experiencing now a little bit closer, which is ironic because there's still so much gay trauma in this shell. So it's like, sure, they're 15, 16 and they're coming out and they get to have a boyfriend. But even in this current world, there's so much trauma that they even have to go through. So it's like progress check. But is it still this easy experience for anyone to have to go through? Absolutely not.
Host (18:31):
Yes. There are a lot of challenges in being a sexual minority for sure. But I also asked Noah what he likes most about it.
Noah Kaib (18:39):
There's two things. The first one is definitely going to be just like the community. When I was young, I thought that I would be on this lone island, like a reject land of misfit toys, island of one population one. And I think that is also what kind of the propaganda is sold to you is to make you feel like you were the only shameful, terrible, dirty thing in the world. And you think when you're going through it that it's going to be on your own. And one thing that was really amazing for me about going to a big university, university of Pittsburgh, which is like 30, I don't know, there's thousands of us, was the community and the diversity in that school was so big that I just got to see queer people have fun. Typically, they were having the most fun, they were the most welcoming, they were the most colorful, they were the most dynamic, they were the most diverse.
Noah Kaib (19:36):
And then meeting those people, starting to be their friends and just being like, wow, this is a real person who's successful, happy, nice in a relationship. They're not combusting. Maybe I can have this. Maybe I can just try having this. And then you come out realizing and believing in the fact that I'm not just the only person experiencing this has been so wonderful. And then I think the second thing I kind of was speaking about, but I like that as a queer person, because you've already come out and I think the larger world expects you to be a little bit different. There's less criteria, there's less expectations. I think we're allowed to dress as differently as you want or as straight as you want. I think queer people in general just are the most creative in terms of their self-expression that you get to be, which means that if I want to one day wake up and wear fish nets and walk down the street and go to the bars in West Hollywood, I can, if I want to have a day where I'm looking a little bit more like a frat bro, just because that's the vibe I'm feeling, I get to do that too.
Noah Kaib (20:51):
And all those kind of different personalities and characters live within me. So it's nice to put earrings in and not have to be like, oh no, Doug, what are people going to think? It's just like, I actually don't care and I'm queer. So who caress
Speaker 3 (21:09):
Saturday night? What do this anymore?
Host (21:34):
So then what does it mean to Noah to be gay in America?
Noah Kaib (21:39):
I think to be gay in America to me would mean
Noah Kaib (21:46):
Resilience. And I think resilience sounds like it can be a little bit negative or bogged down. But I think also resilience presents itself in such wonderful ways resilience in America is us coming up with culture, queer culture and creativity. And so much of, because of what we've had to go through, what we are currently going through, it manifests in a really strong community That is resilience. Resilience through all of what we're dealing through builds a community of queer people and everyone who is queer in America also or gay in America, it has to be resilient. We all have some version of a coming out story. We all have some version of coming out to our south story. And I think that the thread throughout all of that is resilience.
Host (22:36):
Looking back, I wondered what Noah would change about his life if he could
Noah Kaib (22:40):
Everything. But that's not the answer you should give, right? You look back and honestly everything, you learn everything. And I wouldn't be the person who was today if it weren't for all the stuff I went through, yada, yada, yada. But of course I wish I didn't have to spend the first 23 years of my life thinking I was going to burn. And hell quite literally, that was a real experience for me. It would've been nice to come out and accept myself obviously, at an earlier age and going back to that best little boy in the world thing. And in the article, if you're listening, you don't know what it is. It's just like this kind of theory slash idea that a lot of gay people, gay men, in particularly because of their experiences with shame and the inability to validate themselves, seek validation through achievements.
Noah Kaib (23:29):
And I really identified with that. I was someone who was constantly looking for the next gold star, the next trophy, the next thumbs up, the next a. And so much of my life was dictated through those gold stars. And it's kind of how I fell into becoming an engineer because everyone was giving a thumbs up, you're going to do well. Everyone, when I said engineer, everyone said, ah, engineer. And so I obviously was creating a version of myself that existed mostly for other people. And so it would be interesting to see what a six year old me who was unafraid of the world would've created. But that's just not what happened, right? This is the path that I've created. And honestly, since I've come out, I feel like I have a new lease on life. I really didn't think I was going to make it to 23. I didn't think I was going to make it to 16. And so now that I'm out proud making music, I feel really unstoppable. And I feel like the scariest parts of my life I have so far overcome thinking on stage, sissy Boy, and taking Off My Shirt really feels like a walking park.
Host (24:41):
Noah's future looks bright, check out the show notes for links to Noah's social media channels and to hear his music on Spotify it's worth listening to. He's also currently working on a new album and I can't wait to hear it.
Noah Kaib (24:54):
So this album essentially is coming in three parts. I see it in three acts and it's my queer experience, my Queer Journey. So the first act is kind of like the shame act. So that's act one that kind of exists in the Catholic school, unsure. It'll talk a little bit about these experiences you have with your hometown, the place you're from, but the place that broke you first. But also in that first act is like before anyone tells you you're to be shameful about being gay. You're just gay. It's beautiful. It's a part of you that just exists in the world organically. So I also wanted to kind of touch on that purity of it before the world has a chance to infect it. And then the second act, it's like coming to terms and coming out. So maybe you wake up next to a boy for the first time, you're like, oh my God.
Noah Kaib (25:42):
But that's part of that interim experience and it's a little bit exciting and it's just for you, and especially if you haven't come out, you're existing in almost like this own little world you're creating for yourself. Watch, yes, is scary and a little unfortunate can also be beautiful. Like I was telling you about that first love that I had. And yes, we kept it hidden, but it also meant that there was this room that was just this literal magical world that we had created just for us, and it was so beautiful and the world wasn't allowed in. And we watched movies and we laughed and we got to know each other. I wouldn't have had that experience if I was just like anyone else. So there's a coming out section and then the last piece of the puzzle is kind of authenticity. And so that's where Sissy Boy sat.
Noah Kaib (26:29):
It's like acceptance and leaning into your queerness and enjoying it, exploring it, and then trickled in. We still have to deal with the world, so I'm sure there'll be a song about having to come out 700 times in your lifetime or something along that line. But that is essentially how I've structured the album. So I've got Sissy Boy coming out, three songs that I'm ready to go into the studio. I've written eight out of the 12 that I want to write. I'm dedicated to making this project happen. And more than anything, I really care and I want people to know how hard I'm working pretty much from here on out, I'm going to be in release mode, so I just have nothing but music coming out for the next year.
Host (27:21):
This podcast is produced by me at Open Roads Media, L L C, and features new episodes each month. If you enjoyed this episode, please subscribe and share with your friends. Leaving Positive Reviews helps a lot more than you think it does, and we do love hearing from you. Tell us how this podcast has impacted your life. Go to our website where you can drop us a voice message. We may include it in a future episode of Gay in America. We need your help to keep this podcast going. Click the link in the show notes to learn how you can support this podcast. Your direct support helps us inspire and support more listeners. Thank you so much for listening to the Gay In America podcast and keep coming back for more inspiring stories about being gay in America.
