From Grief to Advocacy:
A Mother's Unwavering Fight for Trans Equality
Episode 006
In this poignant episode of the Gay in America Podcast, we delve into the heart-wrenching journey of Kristi, a mother from rural Kansas, who tragically lost her transgender son, Kai, to suicide. As our community faces a wave of extremist hate campaigns, Kristi bravely shares her family's experience with us. With candid honesty, she discusses the challenges Kai encountered while navigating a world filled with prejudice and discrimination. From Kai's initial struggle with his identity to his heartwarming aspirations of helping others, Kristi walks us through their journey together.
Despite the pain, Kristi’s story is a beacon of hope and action. She turned her grief into determination, emerging as an advocate for trans rights. As she reflects on her own regrets and offers advice to parents and allies alike, her story reminds us of the power of love, understanding, and the need to stand up against hate.
In the face of adversity, Kristi’s narrative highlights the importance of support systems, activism, and unwavering love for our LGBTQ+ community. Join us for a candid conversation that sheds light on the challenges faced by transgender individuals, the strength of a mother's love, and the urgency of standing up against prejudice. This episode will inspire you to take action and support organizations like Rainbow Youth and the Trevor Project, who are working tirelessly to uplift and protect trans youth.
The Trevor Project | For Young LGBTQ Lives
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Host: Gay in America is an oral history podcast sharing experiences of gay people from all orientations, backgrounds, and ages in America. Our goal is to inspire each other to live our best gay lives and help us all understand that our shared experiences unite us as a community.
Host: This week's episode is not a lot of fun to listen to, but it did inspire me to take more action. Our community has been slammed by extremist, right, right-wing politicians and religious leaders promoting a slate of hate campaign against all of us. But they have been laser focused on the transgender members of our team. We've heard many people talk about the negative consequences this campaign of hatred could have on people. And today we're going to hear from a mother who is living her worst nightmare trigger warning. This episode does include frank discussion about suicide and may be a trigger for some. You may want to skip this episode if the topic is sensitive to you at this time. Also, if you are struggling with suicidal thoughts, please reach out for help. We love you and we're glad you're on our team. Now let's hear Kai's mother tell their story.
Kristi: Hi, my name is Christie. I am from a very rural town in, uh, northwest Kansas. I am a proud ally and I am also a mother of a transgender son who passed due to suicide last year. He was my miracle child. He was my miracle baby. He was 18 years old and a student at college in Kansas. He was hoping to be, uh, either a nurse someday. He'd also had kind of aspirations of being a counselor. He wanted to help people. That was his big thing. He had the biggest heart. He cared deeply about others and always wanted to help others.
Kristi: Kind of hinted a little before the eighth grade. He started puberty about 10 years old, and that's when I really started to see the changes in him. He didn't come actually come out to me. He had wrote up a letter, typed up a letter to come out to us, and he was, I think, afraid and afraid what our reactions would be. His friend found it and sent it to me while they were in school. My biggest thing was I was scared. I was like, oh, what does this mean for him? What is society gonna, how are they gonna treat him? And I remember calling my mom crying. I'm like, I don't know what to do. And in the meantime I'm like, okay, this is still the kid I love. I'm gonna love him no matter what. And I know, well, I think like most parents in the beginning, you kind of hope, maybe it's a phase, you don't really understand it yourself. And so when he came home, I just, I think he knew like he was dragging someone how his friend must have said. So I'm like, Hey, I sent it. And he's like, what? When he came home, I'm like, well, do you wanna talk about it? And so we had a good talk about it and I told him, I was like, well, I love you no matter what. Let's get you help.
Host: Christie broke the news to Kai's father.
Kristi: I remember we went on a, a trip for his work. We had to go to Denver for training. And that's when I decided, well, I'll tell him about Kai because we hadn't told him. And I said, just to let you know. And I told Kai is transgender, Kai has came out to me and we're gonna do seek help. And he's like, you know what? It is what it is. That was his reaction. So he was on board.
Host: Kai's extended family really struggled with the news at first.
Kristi: I think they don't understand it. I think everybody wants to believe like, oh, the Bible says it's wrong, and all this, you know, everything's not as black as white as they think. And I'm like, how can you say a God that loves us all would judge us like that when I'm like, you know, they made cry the way he was. So it, it was hard. But they really, I was, he was afraid about telling him and, and telling everybody. But everybody kind of like really followed along that they still had a hard time, which I did too at first saying he instead of she, we'd mess up. But
Host: Once Kai was out of the closet, Christie did not waste any time seeking help.
Kristi: So we called our doctor and uh, our doctor referred us to a gender clinic all the way in Kansas City, Missouri at Children's Mercy. And we set up appointments and we did that. Uh, he saw, he'd already kind of seen a therapist 'cause before that he was depressed, which now I know the depression came a lot from the gender dysphoria. And that was eye-opening, like going to the gender clinic, like it was almost a little overwhelming. Like we had all the doctors, all the specialists that came in, like endocrinologists, psychiatrists, social workers that would talk to us and kind of help guide me. And that was my wake up call then too. I was like, okay, this is real, this isn't. And they, they're like telling me, you know, it's very, very rarely that any child will come back and say in life, no, I'm not transgender. He was on testosterone, couldn't even meet with a surgeon until he was 18. He couldn't even schedule the consult until he was 18. And so on his 18th birthday, we called to schedule a consult with the surgeon. And then unfortunately those were like six months late out. And his first appointment with the surgeon was during his finals week.
Kristi: So he didn't wanna miss finals. So we had rescheduled. So it was gonna be a whole year. It was supposed to be that June. We had to have a letter from the doctor. We had a letter from his psychiatrist and a letter from his therapist all saying that he followed all the steps, been doing through therapy, still was feeling this way and that this was the proper next step was surgery. First we started with the social transitioning. We went out, we got his hair cut, we went, bought all the boy clothes. I went to the school and the school was pretty cooperative with it. They let him, like all the teachers called him by that he, uh, had his own restroom to use at over by the principal's office, kind of where the principal and the teachers would use.
Host: While the school staff provided some support, Kai was transitioning just as a political wave against transgender people, was about to crest.
Kristi: We are a very big red state and especially the town we're in. It's, it was very bad. And in fact that is what pushed Kai, I think to it was in fact just two weeks before he passed, he had texted me because he was seeing all the laws like in Texas and that they were gonna go after the parents for child abuse. And he said, mom, that uh, he sent me a text. He said, you need to get somebody from the A C L U, you need a lawyer. He said, what if this comes to Kansas next? And he goes, they're going after parents that even the kids are grown now if they had help, we have a democratic governor, but everybody else is so anti. We have several senators here that are passing anti-trans bills. And they paid their Republican talking heads, these two that claim they're detransition. They paid and flew 'em in to speak on behalf of the anti-trans bills. Totally ignoring all the experts here, all the families and children, parents speaking. And I wrote one about it and I just got a very condescending letter back saying basically they're gonna commit suicide anyway, was what he was trying to tell me.
Host: And once news got out into their small town where Christie and her husband have lived since childhood, things changed quickly.
Kristi: I joined a new church because I knew our church was a big trigger for him 'cause they would bring talk about homosexuality and all that. And so I, we were Lutherans, so I stopped going there. I go to the Episcopal church, which is a lot more accepting. I've actually lost a lot of friends from it. In fact, I'm taking a Facebook break now because they still, I still have friends that they don't even think about it. They post like the anti-trans, like, like main memes and stuff making fun. And I'm like, seriously <laugh>. And I'll even have people that like, they won't even look me in the eye. Like if I go to the store, they just kind of look right through me or turn away.
Host: This political atmosphere had real consequences on Kai's life too.
Kristi: He didn't feel safe going out to eat. He didn't feel safe leaving his dorm room. Just, he would go to class and he'd go back to his room. And I didn't know until after he died. He never told anybody, even his friends at college that he was transgender. He was that scared of anybody finding out. And his friends were like, you know, we kind of knew and he wasn't saying anything. So we didn't bring it up because we knew he didn't wanna talk about it then because that was Kai's biggest thing too is he had told me, he goes, when I graduate, what happens? Like even if I graduate and I get a job, what if that person realizes I'm transgender? What if they refuse my care, make a stink? Or you know, at the very worst somebody hurts 'em because of it or tries to kill 'em. You are making them feel like they have no hope in life. They have no future.
Host: In fact, Kai felt this lack of hope so strongly that he took his own life on March 27th, 2022 in his dorm room at college. This changed Christie's life forever.
Kristi: I decided to go back to school and cry his honor. 'cause he'd always tried to talk me into going back to school saying, mom, there's money out there, there's scholarships. So I'm going to the same college he is, but online, gonna graduate in May to be a medical assistant. And then I plan on in the spring applying for nursing school. My, my big goal in life is I'd like to help others like that and be there. There.
Host: Kai's death also led Christie to begin working as an activist for Trans Rights.
Kristi: I am getting ready to meet with the A C L U. I reached out to them and asked what I can do to help speak out what anything I could do to advocate. I've done a lot of writing, like I've wrote senators. I wrote our governor, I've wrote the president a few times, my TikTok too. And that's been a big thing like speaking out. And I get so many messages from kids adults thanking me for speaking out for them and giving them hope. It's, it's heartbreaking. I have some that tell me that they had families that threw them out of the house when they came out and they were homeless or that they, they say, my parents dead name me all the time. They don't understand. And they're like, it's just nice to know there are supportive parents out there.
Host: If guy could see his mother now, he'd probably be proud.
Kristi: I was going through Kai's computer and he had letters saved in there that he was quite the little activist that I didn't know about that anytime he saw something that a bill or something being passed, he was writing to that state's governor's trying to voice <laugh> his support. <laugh>,
Host: Although Kai's death ignited a flame of advocacy in her, Christie is also haunted by a few regrets.
Kristi: I wish I would've been louder about it and being an activist back then. Maybe he would've felt more comfortable maybe if I could have shown 'em. This isn't something that you need to be ashamed of. You need to speak up. You are safe.
Host: Christie does have some advice for other parents of transgender children
Kristi: Just to show all the support they can love. Love them every minute. Make sure they know every minute. That's one thing I do know is I told Lakay every day how much I loved them, how proud I was of them. So I felt good that I did that. And I see parents that get upset at their kids for the stupidest stuff. Now when I go out in public and I'm like, you know, don't sweat the small stuff. And you never know what day can be your last day with your child. Like live up every moment with them and just don't be afraid to speak up and be proud and show them that they're you're proud of them and that you're always going to fight for them. I think that's the big thing.
Host: And she has advised for allies too.
Kristi: Don't just say, well, I'm an ally. Actually speak up and do something like write your senators, speak up when you see other, if other people are making jokes or being hateful to somebody else, speak up. How can we expect everybody in the L G B T LGBTQ community to be strong and be and support themselves, but we can't be the strong and be loud supporters?
Host: While it does seem like a tsunami of anti-trans bills have swept through the many state legislatures and what can only be described as a slate of hate, there is reason to hope. And many of the 14 states that have enacted anti-trans laws, for example, judges are overturning some of those laws. More people are stepping up to organize and protest in meaningful ways, and parents like Christie are bravely telling their stories and changing some minds. We cannot give up. We have fought many battles in the past and we will keep fighting them. Now remember, we're all in this together. Thank you for listening to Christie's story today. If you'd like to learn more about Christie's efforts or to help support the trans youth community, check out the show notes for links to Rainbow Youth and the Trevor Project. They need your support now more than ever before. This podcast is produced by me at Open Roads Media, L L C, and features new episodes each month. If you enjoyed this episode, please subscribe and share with your friends. Leaving positive Reviews helps a lot more than you think it does, and we do love hearing from you. Tell us how this podcast has impacted your life. Go to our website where you can drop us a voice message. We may include it in a future episode of Gay in America.
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Host: Thank you so much for listening to the Gay in America podcast and keep coming back for more inspiring stories about being gay in America.
